A Depressing Update.

So I quit the team sport. Who would've guessed, right?

I just re-read my last blog post before coming on here, because something happened today that triggered me to write.

So I haven't been looking after myself at all.
I've been living with this 'fuck that' attitude and I literally switch off my real feelings and just eat and do what I want.

I thought I'd start this post with another failure because why not?
I'm always trying to write my true thoughts on here and I sometimes find it useful to read back on how I've been doing.

(Self-counselling?)

Anyway, this evening I decided to attempt to exercise for the first time in a very very long time.
And...well fuck, my ears started ringing, lights flashed over my eyes, and I felt like I was going to faint or be sick.

I instantly needed to sit down and stop.

I'm honestly not sure whether it's because I have reached a point where I'm so fat, so ridiculously huge, that I can't even get 10 minutes into exercising before passing out...?

- Side note to make myself feel better : I did donate blood yesterday and this could be a side effect because this has literally never happened to me before.

But then again, I'm probably just a fat mess and really, who am I kidding.
From a size 12  to a size 16 in a few months.
I have no one to blame but myself.

 FAT. PIECE. OF. SHIT.

I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.

Anyway, I'll be here.
Still sitting.
Still eating.

Still not changing.
-.-

Full Fat Fil

Nothing's changed...or has it?

So I just realised that it's been about 2 years on since I've came on here and wrote on this blog.

It'll be funny now if anyone was to back track to these first posts because yup, you guessed it.
Still fat.
Still eating.
Still sitting.

Ok, all jokes aside, I really have tried a little over these last 2 years to do something, but those attempts usually last about a week and some little thing made me eat junk again, some little craving took hold of me, some little voice in my head said 'yeah, go ahead, eat it, you're fat already so what difference does it make'

I have no motivation.
I have no strength in myself to not open that packet of sweets and eat them all in 0.2 seconds.

But today, for some reason, I found myself back on this blog.
Back on this horrible, self hating blog.

But I wanted to write on it.
I felt I wanted to congratulate myself for something - but for what?

Today I again ate sweets...
but I also attempted to work out.

Today I walked to town instead of driving.

Today I spent some time with my little brother and I enjoyed myself. (NOTE TO SELF: Hang out with him more.)

Today I read a chapter of a book, A BOOK!! ME! I ACTUALLY READ A BOOK!
And I felt super awesome about it, I felt I gained a little more knowledge about life rather than scrolling endlessly through my phone.

Today I took pictures of my body.
And I was sad to see it.

I feel body dysmorphia works both ways, where one sees one self as fat, or as skinny.
I'm not saying I have body dysmorphia, but I definitely can't see the weight on myself as I look in the mirror as much as I see it when I look at photos of myself.
Why is that?

Anyway, we'll not go into that too much, basically, I feel for so long now I've kidded myself into thinking ''I'm not that bad''

Well a lot of people would probably agree, maybe I'm not as fat as I think I am, maybe I'm not as ugly as I think I am, maybe I'm not that bad after all.

But can they say that I'm healthy?
Can they say that I'm fit?


This blog makes no sense at all.
It's all my thoughts just running through my head at once.
Sorry.

I can't keep up with what I want to write about and what I should write about - which is weight related things.
That's what I started this blog up for.

Anyway, on another note, I joined a team sport.
I kinda love it.
And it's embarrassing when I can't keep up with everyone else.

So at least it's an incentive to keep trying to get fitter and hopefully losing weight will go hand in hand. haha

Logging off for now though.
Will check in again to comment on what's happening with my fatty self.

Full Fat Fil.

Late Night Ponderment

Today is a day, before a very traditional day in the calender, where half the world make a change in their daily lives, in some way...

Knowing this...I indulged... and feel like shit after doing so...

I hope tomorrow's different.
I hope....there's something to smile about.

For today, I was a lazy, fat piece of shit.

Maybe God can be a reason to change, if anything.

Talked to my sister tonight, we both really hated ourselves today...
I hate this feeling.

Mini Goal - Go to bed...happy, content and with something to smile about.

Thoughts for Today

...


Will tomorrow be different?


...

Terrible Start

Today I went to the Gym.
Paid some money to do so.

Walked 'briskly' for about 35minutes and ran for about 10secs on the treadmill.

I am very unfit.
I am very unhappy.

I ate ALOT of bad food today.
I looked in the mirror and wanted to smash it.

I'm sick of my body.
I hate it.

Will I ever be beautiful?